#36 The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

An epic, nearly three hour war movie from the 50's? Bleah. What's next, a John Wayne movie? All right, let's get this over with.

Plot summary (with spoilers): Western Thailand, in a prison camp run by Japanese Colonel Saito. Two prisoners, an American and and Australian, are digging a grave for a fellow departed prisoner. The American, Commander Shears, says a few respectful words after being reminded of his name, and then they finish the burial. Shears bribes the guard with a lighter he found on the deceased, and begs the guard to let him stay in the "sick tent" for the next few days, and get off work duty. The guard allows it.
From the tent, Shears and the others hear a procession of new prisoners being brought in. They're marching, proudly, with their shoulders up and their backs straight, like they're in a parade. And even stranger: they're whistling. Whistling that camp tune that's in every third movie about either camp or the army. That tune that I thought came from The Parent Trap. They're being led by Lt. Colonol Nicholson, marching in front. They stop in front of Saito and the other guards at attention, and as one, salute. There are about a hundred and fifty or so of them. It's exhilarating.
Saito tells them all they're under his charge now, and that starting tomorrow they'll be used as slave labor to build a bridge.  Where, you might ask? On that river over there. What's the river called, you might then say? Why, it's called Kwai.
Saito dismisses the men, but Nicholson stays behind. He politely and respectfully tells Saito that the Geneva Convention strictly prohibits captors from forcing officers to do manual labor. Saito sarcastically says he'll look into it, but Nicholson has no sarcasm meter, and just salutes.
Later that night, in the prisoner tent, Shears tells Nicholson and some of the other officers about his intention to escape the next day. Nicholson says no thank you, they were ordered by his superiors to surrender, so escape would be tantamount to treason. Um...not sure if I agree with your math there, Nicholson.
The next day, Saito orders the British soldiers again to start working on the bridge. Nicholson reminds him again that the officers can't do manual labor and provides him a copy of the Geneva Convention rules. Saito takes the copy and swats Nicholson's  face with it. He orders Nicholson and the other officers to join the regular soldiers. Nicholson refuses and tells his fellow officers to stand at attention. Saito sends the enlisted men away, so that it's only him and Nicholson and the other 10 or so officers. Shears watches from his sick tent in horror as Saito signals a truck with a machine gun in it to pull up. He tells Nicholson he has until the count of three to start working. Nicholson stands his ground.
One.
Two.
Another British solider, a doctor named Clipton who had been in the sick tent, runs forward. He tells Saito that everyone in the sick tent is witnessing this, and it's murder, and he'll never get away with it. Saito stares him down for a moment, then tells his guards to grab Nicholson. They put him in a small wooden box in the sun that Shears refers to as the "oven". The other officers continue to stand at attention.
In all the distraction, Shears and two others suddenly race off, attempting their escape. The other two are gunned down, but Shears manages to jump off a cliff The Fugitive style, and into a raging river floating downstream to apparent safety.
Weeks go by. The men continue working on the bridge, though pieces of it break and fall into the water periodically. Saito is apoplectic. He has the British doctor Clipton visit Nicholson in his makeshift prison. Clipton begs Nicholson to agree to let the officers work. He tells him that he'll die in the oven if it goes on much longer, and every day the officers stand at attention all day long in the sun, and one of them has heatstroke and will likely die soon, too. They frankly could use the exercise of working on the bridge. But Nicholson holds his ground. Finally, Saito pulls him out for a late night visit, and Nicholson's gaunt and pale and can barely walk. Saito tells him that if the bridge isn't completed by May 1st, his superiors will force him to commit seppuku. Nicholson is unsurprisingly unmoved. He offers to allow his officers to oversee the bridge construction and make sure it's done properly, so long as they don't have to actually do any manual labor. Only the Brits can simultaneously be so brave and so prissy.
Saito again puts him back in the oven, but after another week or so, finally gives into his demands. He frees Nicholson from the oven, and the men cheer and hold him above their heads like he's a rock star.
The next day, Nicholson holds a meeting with his officers, and one reveals that the location of the bridge makes it impossible to build, because the ground is too soft. Nicholson holds a meeting with Saito and his men and tells him of their new plan to scrap the current bridge and start over a half mile away. He has new plans, and a new tougher work schedule for the men and by God and by the Queen, they'll get this bridge done by May 1st no matter what, proving the worth of the British military. The other officers look askance at Nicholson apparently heading to some creepy level beyond Stockholm Syndrome, but say nothing.
So finally, we get back to Shears. Turns out, he got picked up by some Thai natives and then rescued by some British troops. He's recovering in a British-run hospital in Thailand, eating fruits and berries and hitting on a Brit nurse. But then a British Major named Warren wants to see him. Turns out Shears isn't a Commander after all, but rather an enlisted man. When he was taken prisoner by the Japs, he switched outfits with his deceased commanding officer, hoping to get better treatment as a prisoner. Warren found this out and blackmails Shears with it. He wants Shears to accompany him and lead him back to where he was imprisoned. You see, there's a bridge that's being built there. A bridge on a river. Named Kwai. And that bridge will allow the enemy to easily transfer weapons and men by train to key battleground areas or something. And it needs to be blown up. Accompanying Shears and Warren is a cute little Canadian named Lt. Joyce, who is asked if he ever killed anyone in battle, and would he be capable of it? Joyce says he hasn't and isn't sure if he would be able to, because it feels like murder to him. Fucking Canadians.
Warren says he'll get over it.
So they fly over the site and parachute down and encounter several Siamese women and one man who will help them on their mission. All the other men in the area have already been imprisoned by the Japanese. At one point, they're discovered by three Japanese scouts. Shears and Warren shoot two of them, but the third runs off. The men pursue, and Joyce discovers him by accident about a foot away from him. He can't bring himself to kill the him, so the scout raises his weapon, but just then Warren comes rushing forward and stabs the scout in the gut, just as he fires his gun, hitting Warren in the foot.
As they continue marching on, Warren eventually can no longer walk, and tells the others to go on without him. But Shears refuses. They make a cot for him and carry him.
And back at the prison camp, Nicholson frets openly about completing the bridge on time. Clipton suggests that maybe that really shouldn't be their main goal, and then Nicholson tosses off the info that even though the officers are working on the bridge now, it might not get done in time. I'm sorry, what? The officers---you mean, the people who you spent a month in a tiny box just to keep them from getting their prissy little hands dirty, those officers?  Nicholson you fucking suck, sir. Jolly well suck. Then Nicholson goes to the sick tent and starts cajoling fevered and injured prisoners that they're not that sick, and surely they can to some "light" labor to help things along? Several soldiers unsteadily rise to their feet and follow Nicholson out the door.
And finally, after some more time and a fade out, the bridge is complete. Nicholson and Saito walk along it, Nicholson gently touching the railing. He says they did it, dammit, on time, proving the resilience and capability of the British army. And I'm guessing also proving something to daddy?
They have a big homoerotic party that night, completely with shirtless soldiers in hulu dresses, dancing with one another and pretending to kiss, while the rest of the men hoot and holler. Now that's the England I know and love. Good show, old chaps.
Meanwhile, Warren, Shears and the others arrive in camp the same night. Through intel, they've learned that the bridge was just completed and an enemy train with supplies is coming through on it tomorrow morning. They quietly string up explosives underwater, connecting them with a wire hidden in the sand and a plunger thingie hidden behind a rock. They'll wait until morning, and then Joyce, also hidden at the rock, will set off the explosion just as the train starts on the bridge, thereby getting them two birds with one stone. The quietly swim in the water and set everything up, then proceed to sleep until morning. The next morning, they wake up and see the river water has receded. The wires connected to the bridge are exposed. Shears and Warren are separated from Joyce, and unable to tell him to just blow up the bridge now, forget the stupid train, before they're discovered! But Joyce doesn't notice their frantic signaling. And then Saito and the guards stand on the bridge at the ready. Blow it up, Joyce!  Blow it up now!  God, this is worse than Breaking Bad!  Then Nicholson and the Brits come marching onto the bridge. Whistling again. That fucking whistling. Joyce can't blow it up, now. But the Brits thankfully march to the other side, with only Nicholson staying behind. Nicholson lovingly brushes his hands on the railing of the bridge one last time, then leans on it, looking into the water. He sees the wires. He's confused. We walks a few dozen feet, then looks down again. More wires.
Blow it up, JOYCE!  GOD DAMN IT!
Nicholson: Saito. Something's wrong. You gotta take a look at this.
I HATE YOU, NICHOLSON. YOU AND YOUR ASS FACE!
And he and Saito get down from the bridge, just as finally, finally,  a train whistle can be heard in the distance. Nicholson discovers the wires under the sand. He pulls on them, following them towards Joyce. He and Saito keep walking.
The train approaches.
Nicholson and Saito are about twenty feet away from Joyce and his TNT plunger.
Shears and Warren keep gawking like they're in their living room on Sunday night in 2011.
Finally, Joyce rushes out with a knife, and stabs Saito before he can turn around. "We're gonna blow up the bridge, sir!" he hisses to Nicholson.
Blow it up?  Guards, help! Nicholson signals to the other Japanese guards on the bridge. They start running down. Joyce tries to run back to the plunger, but Nicholson tackles him. Please sir, let me go!  But he can't bring himself to attack an ally.
Shears finally breaks out of his hiding place and makes a mad dash across the sand, determined to kill Nicholson's fucking face off. Just as he reaches them, a Japanese guard shoots him in the back, and then kills Joyce for good measure. Nicholson sees Shears as he dies, staring into his eyes. He remembers that American. The one who escaped before...everything happened.
My God, what have I done?  
He runs towards the plunger.
The train starts to go on the bridge.
Just then Warren fires some huge explosive gun that blows up right behind Nicholson. Nicholson stops in his tracks then falls over dead, right onto the plunger.
The bridge explodes fantastically, and the train crashes down into the river below.
Mission Accomplished.

Review: WOW!  Wowee wowee wow! That was fantastic!  And all the more so, for being completely unexpected!  Thank you AFI. Never in a million years did I expect to find this movie any more than okay at best, but it was amazing. Starting with the beautiful lush scenery that really established a foreign location and continuing with great performance by all the actors. Each character had a function in the story and influenced the way the plot unfolded. I love that when stories do that. No superflous characters. And Alec Guiness was amazing. He had such a tricky part, this stubborn brave and heroic man who is undone by his own sense of self worth and value. To him, finishing the bridge was no longer about helping the enemy, but about proving that he could. And the way his belief system gets warped by his torture and then victory over Saito after the torture (which functions as a validation of all his actions thus far) is completely believable, even if it was pretty maddening. Shears, Warren, and Joyce were all fully developed characters too, who each had a satisfying and entertaining arc. The movie cover bills this as Shears vs. Nicholson, but that's not it at all. It's Nicholson vs himself and his sanity, and Shears, Warren, Joyce, Clipton, and Saito are just supporting players. Also, lots and lots of shirtless dudes building shit. You can't go wrong with that. Anyway, pretty great. Kudos all around, fifty four years later.

Stars: Five out of five.

Next, another tough-guy movie, "Annie Hall", and then "Snow White and the Von Trapp Children".