Shh!
Plot summary (with spoilers): Of course, we've all seen this one countless times, so there's no need to really get into it too much.
So, my first ever silent movie starts out with a woman getting dressed up all slutty and wearing black. She puts on make up and lipstick (WHORE!) and then leaves her home. She appears to live in a small village community. The other townspeople are put off by her high-flautin' ways, but she doesn't care. She approaches a home where through the window she sees a man sitting on his couch watching TV. Or, I guess not. Listening to the radio, maybe? Man, what did people do when they were sitting on the couch back then? There's barely even a reason to have a couch. Anyway, she whistles to the man and he goes outside to greet her. They run off together. Back in the house, the man's wife appears, and looks around for him, sad.
We see two gossiping women "talking" about the man and his wife.
HE GOES OUT ALL DAY WITH THAT WOMAN....AND HIS WIFE STAYS AT HOME.
Several shots of the wife sad and staying at home and taking care of their baby, while weeping intermittently. The man and the black-dressed bimbo go off into the woods together and engage in several tight hugs and closed-mouth kisses. The taloned temptress asks the man to run away with him to the city. In the sky, we see images of the city they imagine. There's a kaleidoscope of crazy Big City images; a brass band, people dancing in the streets, Model T's roaring by, causal racism, etc.
The man shakes his head, points at his ring. But the heavy-lidded harlot has an answer for that.
WHAT IF SHE WERE TO....DROWN?
Then the words sink into the bottom of the screen and disappear. Cool. The man is horrified by the suggestion, and tries to push the evil jinxed Jezebel away, but she persists, showering his face in more closed-mouth kisses, until he's finally won over. Her plan is for him to tell his wife he wants to take her by rowboat to the big city and then when they're halfway there, to dump the boat into the river and let her drown. He'll save himself from drowning as well by taking a bundle of sticks with him to hold onto and use to stay afloat. He's down with the idea. They collect a bunch of sticks and tie them together. They promise to meet the next night after the deed is done.
The man gets home and lies down in his single bed about five feet away from his wife. Perhaps that's why they're having these marital problems. He stares creepily at her, unable to fall asleep. The next morning, he's finally dozed off. The woman pulls his blanket up to his chin and then proceeds to churn the butter or maybe do something with a spindle or whatever it is that people did then. Suddenly, the man wakes up and is overcome with self-doubt. He sits up and imagines the evil Eve touching him, caressing him, until he finally gets enough nerve to tell his wife about the big plan to go rowing to the city that day. She's ecstatic, thrilled that he's finally being nice to her again. She gives the baby to a neighbor, and they set off rowing for the day. As they walk down the little trail to the boat, their dog starts barking furiously at the man. Wow, even in 1927, the "animals are magic" thing was out there. As they row away, the dog jumps into the river and swims up to their boat. The woman lets him on. The man turns the boat around, rows back to the shore, and walks the dog up to the house, looking super scary and grim. The woman watches from the boat for a while, until the man slowly walks back down the trail, sans dog. For the first time, she feels a little uncertain. The suspense here is actually crazy good, with the symphony soundtrack provided great ominous music. They start to row away again, and the man just looks angry the whole time, clearly trying to work himself up to dumping her. The woman gets more and more terrified. Finally, he gets up and looms over her, his hands clenched. He lunges at her. She screams and curls into a ball. He stops, horrified at himself. He quickly sits back down and rows them to shore. As soon as they dock, she runs off, terrified. He follows her, calling out apologizes. She gets on a trolley that heads into the city, and he manges to catch it too. He stands next to her the whole ride, as she cowers in terror. As soon as they reach the city, she runs off again, into traffic. Several cars almost hit her, but the man saves her. He guides her into a restaurant. They sit down and he offers her bread at the table. She takes a piece, bites into it, then collapses into tears. It's really quite moving, surprisingly. They see a wedding taking place across the street and the man takes her inside. They sit in the back and watch a couple get married (the original Wedding Crashers!) and the priest talks about how the man protecting his bride from harm is the most noble thing he can do. The man is overcome with guilt and begins crying. They hold each other and cry, and shockingly, no one kicks their rude asses out of the chapel.
They decide to make a day of it in the city. The man gets a shave and a haircut while the woman watches. A pretty lady comes up to the man while he's being shaved and offers him a manicure. The woman watches, all scared that he'll start banging her right there in the barber shop, I guess. But the man screams "NO!" at her and she walks away. The woman is relived. Another dapper gentleman sits next to the woman and hits on her, and puts his arm around her. She moves away from him, but the man sees this happen and approaches the dapper gentleman. He pulls a knife and jabs it at the guy's throat, stopping just before hitting him. The music is all dark and scary, but the woman seems unconcerned and they go walking off together, leaving the dapper gentleman to sigh with relief and tell all his friends about the psycho who almost killed him for no reason.
The rest of the day is filled with fun adventure, carnival games, and dancing.
That night, they decide to row home.
HEY, REMEMBER THIS MORNING WHEN I ALMOST KILLED YOU IN THIS VERY BOAT?
CRAZY, HUH?
No, he doesn't say that unfortunately. So they row home, but halfway there, there's a big storm. The rowboat is rocked to and fro and the man's oars finally break and when it looks like the boat will soon sink, the man busts out his bundle of sticks and tells his wife to hold onto them for dear life. Aw...that's really cool and ironic, and unexpected. The boat sinks. The man tries to hold onto his wife, but they're soon separated by the current.
The man eventually washes ashore, back at his home village. He looks around desperately for his wife, but can't find her. He rushes into town, waking everyone up, calling for help. They all run out to the river and get in row boats, looking for her.
Meanwhile, the hard-hearted hussy skulks about in her home, smiling. She of course thinks that the plan has gone off with out a hitch.
The man is on a boat with a rescue team, and the discover a broken-up bundle of sticks, but no woman. The man is devastated. They row ashore, and he goes back home, where the neighbor lady is still taking care of the baby. She weeps and hugs him, and he just stoically stands there in total shock. Eventually, the neighbor leaves, and immediately, the witchy wench arrives at the house. She triumphantly throws her arms around the man and starts in with the trademark closed-mouth kisses. But this time, he throws her off and immediately begins choking the shit out of her.
Meanwhile, other rowers apparently haven't given up so quickly because they find the woman washed ashore, and she's still alive. They hurriedly carry her into town.
The fornicating floozy is still choking and dying, while she struggles in vain to break free. But off in the distance, the man hears the villagers' call. He throws the manipulative minx down and runs out of the house. He rushes over to his wife, who is coming around. He scoops her up, and she throws her arms around him and they kiss, while the triumphant symphony music rises. Fade out.
Hopefully by the time they get back to the house the other lady has cleared out of there.
Review: WAY better than I was expecting, though to be fair, my expectations couldn't have been lower. The silent film is truly such a different art form, it almost doesn't really even count as a movie. The difference between silent movies and "talkies", I think is a much wider gap than between black and white and color. In early talkies, the actors clearly didn't know what they were doing, that's why the voices sounded so artificial and off putting, and that's why I can't really get into those types of movies. They're too unreal. However, the silent films are so unreal, it's like they're in a different category altogether. It's more like a fever dream than a movie. You can't expect it to be realistic. It would be like going to a play and saying that the walls on that house don't look stable. And yet, even though the actors played "big", it didn't feel that way, because how else can you play it? For whatever reason, it's easier to buy this movie as real than it was to buy into movies just ten years later. The music, which was a constant symphony, was also pretty great. The scary moments were made scarier, the happy moments happier. It's also cool to hear that kind of music again in a movie. I don't think we'll ever get back to recording a huge live orchestra in a movie soundtrack again, they're just too cost prohibitive.
And finally, the story itself was really compelling. The irony of the sticks being used to save the wife in the end was excellent, and totally something I didn't predict. There was a lot in the middle I skipped over, though. A lot of "country rubes in the big city" shtick was not only not that great, but was also a huge digression from the main story. When the man threatened to knife the guy in the barber's shop, I thought the movie was making the case that the man is still a psycho and his wife was better off without him lest he go nuts again one day and try to kill her again, but they never brought it up after that, which seemed like a missed opportunity.
But I did definitely like it, on the whole. And my education continues...Can't way to see one with that "Charlie Chaplin" guy I keep hearing so much about. Although I think he stole that character from Maria from Sesame Street.
Stars: Three and a half out of five.
Next, "Spatacus" and then "The Apartment".
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