Summary (with spoilers): Voice over narration (that quickly goes away, thankfully) tells us that Rome was a mighty and powerful empire that consolidated its power with slavery. We see Spartacus, a rebellious slave, who fights back when the guards whip him. He was born into slavery and apparently is still pretty bitter about it.
A fop named Batiatus, who owns a Gladiator arena, is making the rounds, scouting out slaves to buy and use in his Gladiator games. (Batiatus is played by Peter Ustinov, a name I've heard before, but I don't think I've ever seen in a movie. He's hilarious in this, and won a well deserved Best Supporting Actor statue. Sadly, however, I must acknowledge a truth I had not known until today: one of my favorite shows growing up was MASH, and my favorite character on that show was Charles Winchester, played by David Ogden Stiers. But now I see that Stiers just completely cribbed the character from Ustinov/Batiatus, right down to the fey quasi-British accent, the snobby demeanor, and condescending tone of voice. For shame, David Ogden Stiers! For shame!)
Anyways, Batiatus buys Spartacus and his training begins. Spartacus meets other gladiators, like Crixus, who is some ugly balding dude. As a fan of the Starz TV show, (uh..because of the great writing, I swear), I'm very disappointed with the quality of these alleged "gladiators", most of whom are pretty scrawny and clearly just random cattle-call extras. Also, Kirk Douglas was already 43 when this movie was made. Not exactly a spring chicken. Batiatus tells the new recruits that they will be trained to fight, and then will have battle to the death with other gladiators when the time comes. They supply the gladiators with women slaves to do with as they will and get their aggressions out. Well, that's certainly thoughtful. A woman named Varinia is "assigned" to Spartacus, but when they're in the room together, soft lovey-dovey music plays and they instantly fall for each other. Spartacus refuses to defile her, because everyone knows women only have worth when they're virgins, so the guards take her away.
Montage of workout scenes. Eventually, Kirk Douglas has a pretty impressive chest on him. I wonder if they shut down production for awhile, a la Raging Bull? The trainers declare him ready for battle.
Batiatus gets news that an important Roman Senator, Crassus, is arriving with an entourage. Batiatus tells his slaves to break out "the second best wine! Actually, make it the best wine, but...small goblets". That line doesn't read funny on paper, but trust me, Ustinov nails it. Crassus is played by that super famous actor guy, Sir Lawrence Oliver, whom I've literally never seen in anything before, but have been told he's the greatest actor in the whole wide world forever and ever ahem. He wishes to see some gladiators fight to the death, and the two women with him pick out Crixus and another slave to fight, as well as Spartacus and an Ethiopian slave named Draba. Batiatus can't refuse a senator, so the battle is planned. Crassus also takes a liking to Varinia and tells Batiatus to have someone deliver her to Rome the next day. The four gladiators wait inside the holding area, waiting for their turn. Crixus fights first and wins. Then its time for Spartacus and Draba. They fight while the noblemen watch from up above. Varinia also watches nervously. The fight goes on for awhile, until Draba gets the better of Spartacus and disarms him. He puts his sword at Spartacus' neck. Damn, this is going to be a short movie. But instead of killing Spartacus, Draba angrily looks around at the laughing nobles, who are screaming for blood. He charges Crassus and his friends, throwing the sword at them. The guards quickly overcome him and kill him. (This is the earliest movie I've seen so far where a black character isn't treated as a joke). In the excitement, everyone forgets that Spartacus was supposed to die.
But Spartacus doesn't. The next day, after Crassus has left, he charges one of the guards and overpowers him. Other gladiators join in. When Batiatus learns his slaves have rebelled, he jumps on the wagon that was just about to take Varinia away and hightails it out of there.
Very quickly, the gladiators overtake the entire house, and drive out or kill all the guards.
They frolic and drink and make merry, celebrating their newfound freedom. But Spartacus has a plan. He wants them to march to the ocean, and make their escape out of Italy, where they can truly be free. Along the way, they'll free other slaves and let them join in. Everyone thinks this is a swell plan.
Meanwhile, in Rome. News of Spartacus' uprising has the royals upset, and Senator Gracchus suggests they dispatch the army general guy named Glabrus to lead a small group the squelch the growing Spartacus rebellion. And who will take Glabrus' place while he's away? Some dude named Julius Caesar. This is a power play by Gracchus, who is allied with Caesar, while Glabrus is allied with Crassus. Crassus expresses concern that Caesar will not be willing to give up his position as head army guy when Glabrus returns, but obviously that's ridiculous. Hail Glabrus!
Crassus also purchases for himself a slave "washing boy", named Antoninus. He sits in a giant tub while Antoninus bathes him. Crassus asks Antoninus if he eats oysters. Yes, my lord. Do you eat snails? No, my lord. Do you think eating oysters is moral, and snails immoral? No, my lord. Good. It is simply a matter of taste. I like oysters and snails.
(Apparently, the studio heads or MPAA or whoever saw through this extremely subtle metaphor and nixed the scene. It was restored in 1991).
Antoninus dries off Crassus and thinks about what it will be like to eat snails for the first time. Crassus tells him that Rome is mighty and unstoppable and all should quake in awe of her. He turns around and sees that Antoninus has run away. He laughs to himself and then probably goes back to the slave auction for more snail hunting.
While freeing some slaves and encouraging people to join their army, Spartacus happens across Varinia. He knows it's her because their lovey-dovey theme music starts playing. He says he thought Crassus bought her. She explains that she ran away from Batiatus on the way there, and he was too fat to catch her. Both of them lose their shit laughing at how fat Batiatus is. (Answer: pretty fat). Antoninus also joins up with them.
Spartacus' army encounters Glabrus and his men. The battle takes place offscreen (Boo!) and in the end, Glabrus is defeated. Spartacus sends him back to Rome, and says to tell Rome they won't be defeated.
The Roman senate demands Glabrus resign in disgrace, and Crassus also resigns, for supporting Glabrus. The senate don't actually want him to resign, though, as they value his expertise. Senator Gracchus and Caesar realize that Crassus' resignation is just a ploy to get them to beg him to come back, should the threat of Spartacus' army grow too strong.
Spartacus makes plans to purchase some boats from some Arab boat-maker guy. The guy assures them that one they reach the ocean, the boats will be ready. They keep marching on, winning more and more battles until finally the Roman senate is beside themselves, and offer Crassus full dictatorial powers to do with as he pleases, so long as Spartacus is killed. Crassus summons Batatius, who is now a pauper living in Rome. He asks him to identify Spartacus for him, once they defeat his army. Batatius reminds Crassus that he already met Spartacus, back in the gladiator house. Crassus can't remember him. Batiatius says he'll help identify him, if he can be allowed to sell the rest of the gladiators back into slavery once they're recaptured. Crassus is fine with this.
Meanwhile, the Arab boat guy tells Spartacus that the deal is off, and that another army, the Cilicians, are approaching from the ocean, per Crassus' request. Spartacus knows he can't keep running and now must turn around and fight the Roman army directly.
Okay, here we go! Battle porn!
Spartacus' army and Crassus' army meet in the middle of a giant field. There's no CGI, folks. And there's got to be a least a thousand extras, on either side, facing each other. All I can think about is how busy craft services must've been that week. They charge each other, and Spartacus' men have these giant rolling logs that are on fire, and they roll them down the hill to smash and burn the advancing Roman army. Badass! We basically see a bunch of stuntmen get rolled by a log and lit on fire. Spartacus' army appears to be winning, but unfortunately, at that moment, the Cilician army arrives and joins up with the Roman one. They crush Spartacus' men, killing Crixus, as well as most of the others. Spartacus and Antoninus and a few hundred others are captured alive.
Crassus approaches them and tells them they will be kept alive if they tell him which one of them is Spartacus. Otherwise, they will be crucified and hung on crosses. Spartacus stands up, opens his mouth to call out. Suddenly, Antoninus leaps to his feet. "I am Spartacus!" he yells. Others do the same. Soon, everyone is yelling "I am Spartacus!" Fuck yeah! A single manly tear rolls down Sparty's cheek. He's actually the only one who doesn't yell "I am Spartacus!", so that should've been a dead giveaway.
Batiatus approaches Crassus and says what's all this business about crucifiction? I thought I was going to sell them back into slavery. Crassus says the deal's off. He then sees Varinia, who has survived the battle, and her newborn son, Michael Douglas. She tells them Spartacus is dead. Crassus is taken by her beauty and tells some soldiers to take her back to his place. She will be his new slave. Crassus then looks over the newly reenslaved gladiators, and recognizes his former snail-hating washing boy, Antoninus. He also finally recognizes Spartacus. He orders them to fight to the death. The winner will be crucified. Spartacus and Antoninus try in earnest to kill each other, each one wanting to give the other a quicker, less painful death. Spartacus wins.
When Graccus learns of Varinia's fate, he bribes Batiatus into kidnapping her and bringing her to him. He wants one last shot at sticking it to Crassus. Batiatus does as he's told, then Graccus grants Varinia her freedom. He asks Batiatus to take her out of Rome.
Batiatus does so, and as they travel down the road, they pass dead gladiator after dead gladiator, all hung on crosses along the road every twenty feet or so, like telephone wires. Well, that's just gross. Finally, they come upon Spartacus, not yet dead. Varinia tells Spartacus that she and their son are finally free, and then she rides off in the sunset with ol' fatty, while Spartacus slowly dies. All's well that ends well.
Review: Sweeping epics tend to make me a bit itchy, and this one was no exception. Something about the grandiose nature of the thing, makes it appear to insist upon itself, (thank you Peter Griffin). That said, there's a lot to like here. Kurt Douglas, Olivier, and Ustinov are all great. Most of the cast is, in fact. Except for the day players. They're all very "60's". They have that weird sort tone of voice when they yell that makes them all sound the same. Difficult to explain, but close your eyes and imagine someone in a sixties movie saying "hey! What's the big idea?" and you'll get the picture. The writing is really sharp. Lots of great one-liners, especially from Ustinov, and no lines at all that stick out as clunkers. The plot here is far more detailed than I expected, with lots of Senatorial scheming and backstabbing that I mostly skipped over in the summary. There were a surprising amount of subplots, and nearly every character was nuanced and somewhat sympathetic; even cowardly villains like Batiatus were somewhat redeemed by the end. And the battle scenes were pretty great too, rivaling any CGI thing we'd see nowadays. I love practical effects, and I wish CGI were only used sparingly, and not as such a crutch. There are also lots and lots and lots of sweeping, panoramic views of the Italian countryside that look pretty damn spectacular.
Now: Stanley Kubrick. Not as big a fan as I feel I probably should be. Which sucks, because he's one of those "cool" directors you're just supposed to love, and...I really don't. I think he makes interesting films, but his pacing is always problematic for me, as it is here. The third act always seems to go on for too long. The climax of the movie is the big battle between the two armies, and yet, when that's over there's still a good thirty minutes left. I hate that shit. He does it in 2001, too. Haven't seen Dr. Strangelove, so we'll see about that when the time comes.
Stars: Three and a half out of five.
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