So...I weirdly remember reading this book and watching the movie in Mr. Seaman's class in 8th Grade. (Mr. Seaman was probably my favorite teacher ever, a real stand on the desk and say, 'O, Captain , My Captain' kind of guy. He was so awesome, no one even made fun of his name.) But the problem is, Mr. Seaman was my History teacher. So, why would we be studying this in History? I must be getting some memory wires crossed. At any rate, that little boy yelling, "Shane! Come back, Shane!" made such an incredible impression on me, that every single time without fail, every Shane I've ever met since then has reminded me of that movie, and given me no choice but to scream at them in falsetto, "Shane, come back!", and every single time, every Shane A) knows the reference immediately, and B) is thoroughly unimpressed.
But I shall not be swayed.
Plot summary (with spoilers): It's the late 1800's in Wyoming. Joe and his wife Marian and their little boy Joey live on a farm and raise pigs and cows and cut logs and such. One day, whilst Marian makes pies in the kitchen and little Joey plays with rocks and Joe chews on straw and..let's say whittles, a stranger comes riding up. He's just passing through, his name is Shane, his clothes are reminiscent of Marty McFly's in Back to the Future III, and could he trouble the missus for a glass of shitty water in a tin canister?
Just then, the evil Ryker brothers show up and start pestering Joe. They call him a dirty no-good pig farmer and say that he's a "squatter" and that his land belongs to them and that he better give it to them at some point in the future or else. Or else what? Well, it's way too early in the movie to get into that now, so we'll just say a few more ominous things and be on our way.
Joe invites Shane to dinner and then they wind up hiring him as a helper on the farm. Every time there's a noise outside, Shane reaches for his gun like a crazy person, all PTSD from the Civil War, and little Joey lights up every time, thinking Shane is the cat's pajamas, or whatever expression came before that. Then Joe asks Shane to ride into town and pick up some work clothes, and Joey also wants a soda pop, so Shane goes into town and while there he goes into the bar and orders a soda pop, and the Ryker brothers and posse are there and they taunt him and throw whiskey at him because they are just that lazily caricatured, but Shane turns the other cheek and walks out.
That night, Joe meets with other landowners in the area, all of whom have been harassed lately by the Riker brothers. They try to come up with a plan to fight them off, and agree that the next time they have to go into town, they'll all go together. One mentions he was in town earlier and heard about Joe's new employee Shane, who backed down from a fight with the Rykers. Joe said he did the right thing, but little Joey gets all indignant and squawks to Shane that no way he'd be that yellow and Shane's not scared, right Shane, you wouldn't do that Shane, you wouldn't be scared like that, right Shane, tell me Shane, tell me you wouldn't be that scared, Shane, over and over and over and everyone's just telling the little shit to shut up but he won't and Shane feels emasculated.
So the next day, when everyone goes into town to buy supplies, Shane goes back into the bar to return the soda pop bottle and sure enough, the Rykers are still there. Maybe they live there. Anyway, Shane, throws whiskey at one of them and then they fistfight and little Joey watches all wide-eyed and ridiculous and Shane beats the dude up, but now they all want a piece of him, so little Joey runs back and gets his Pa, and Shane and Joe fight off all of them, like real men should and then they eat at Carls Jr and watch Larry the Cable Guy.
Then everyone has a celebratory party, and the Ewoks show up and blink a lot, and Shane and Marian dance together and I guess are supposed to be attracted to each other, but there's nothing there, really. But of course, we're only an hour in, so the Ryker brothers regroup and hire a literally black-hatted Jack Palance to ride into town help them out. Jack Palance is the fastest gun in these parts and one day, one of Joe's neighbors goes into town and Jack Palance, knowing the guy is a former Confederate solider, talks shit about Stonewall Jackson, and the guy calls him a no good Yankee dirtbag and tries to shoot him, but Jack Palance is faster on the draw and shoots him dead.
They have a funeral, and several ranchers say they're moving out, but Joe says they have to stand their ground, and off in the distance, they see a fire. The Rykers have burned down someone's farm, which is weird because it would require them to leave the bar. Joe says he has to ride into town and shoot them all dead, but Marian says no don't, think of me and little Joey and this whole fucking thing just writes itself, doesn't it?
Shane no let Joe go. Shane beat up Joe. Shane go to bar. Little Joey and dog follow. Shane shoot Jack Palance and Old Man Ryker. Ryker brother shoot Shane. Shane shoot Ryker brother. Joey says Shane hurt. Blood on Shane. Blood bad. Shane ride away. Joey says come back. Shane no come back.
SHANE!! SHANE!! COME BACK, SHANE!!
Still funny.
Review: Boring, overlong, pretentious, in love with itself. Let's see, what else? Trite, cliched, dumb. No chemistry between Shane and the mom, even though I remember the book making that a big part about why Shane doesn't go back, to avoid temptation. The kid is actually pretty good, he's got the hero worship look down pat, but really this story is boring. And the music soundtrack is re-donk-ulous, all horns and violins and crazy symbol crashes, trying to convince us that Shane riding his horse is the most exciting thing ever! Anyway. Time to press forward.
Stars: One and a half out of five.
Next, "The Philadelphia Story", and then the X-Rated Oscar winner, "Midnight Cowboy". Both new to me.
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