#13 Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

This annoying kid named Eric Ostrander was my next-door neighbor in the early 80's. One day, I was playing with my GI Joes in the backyard and he leaned up against the wood fence that separated our homes and peaked through a little hole and awkwardly squawked, "Hi, my name is Eric Ostrander! I'm your new neighbor!  My mom said you could come over and play. Do you want to come over and play?"
I could only see his weird little eye through the hole in the fence. I found both his presumption and presentation appalling. I told him I had to ask my mom. I went inside, stood by the door and counted to ten, then came back out and said, "Sorry, my mom said no". This went on daily for what seemed like months but was probably only a week or so, and then suddenly one day, Eric Ostrander let it be known that he had "almost every Star Wars action figure known to man", Suddenly, my mom became quite amenable to my visiting the Ostrander home.  I hadn't even seen the movies, but I knew I loved the characters, and since I only personally collected GI Joes, this was an excellent way to (temporarily) double my toy collection. And Eric himself was worth tolerating. Although I still joined in the taunting at the bus stop when he loudly insisted to everyone that the Easter Bunny was real. But I didn't feel great about it.
Then in 1983, my mother took my sister and I to see Return of the Jedi. I was very excited to see it, even though my knowledge of the characters and the story was limited to whatever I could gleam from what passed for pop culture at the time. Mainly: coloring books, lunch boxes, back packs, appearances on The Muppet Show, what Eric told me, etc. I don't think I even really grasped that there were movies before Return of the Jedi at all. Though after just a few minutes of Jedi, I very quickly realized I was watching something that was more than half over. Han was being rescued from carbonite, everyone knew each other and had little in-jokes that I didn't get and the audience was laughing along and responding to all of it. I hated that feeling of not knowing what the hell was going on. I think that was the start of my very firm, very strict fidelity to continuity and the whole-hearted belief that art should be consumed in order dammit, as the creators intended. Back before the days of DVRs and Netflix streaming and the like, that led to me missing out on a lot of TV shows that I had to catch up on years later in syndication.
Anyway, I eventually caught A New Hope a couple years after that and then finally Empire Strikes Back. But I think the fact that I watched Jedi before the other two implanted that one in my brain as being what represents "Star Wars" to me, and it's my favorite, despite the fact that I know I'm supposed to say my favorite is Empire. 
So anyway, let's kick this into hyperdrive.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away:

In the middle of a war between the Rebels and the Evil Empire, Princess Leia and her super soldiers with funny hats have stolen the plans to the Galatic Empire's new Death Star, which is a giant planet-sized space station capable of blowing up actual planets. She's attempting to get the plans back to her Rebel friends at their secret hideout, but her ship is attacked and boarded by Imperial forces. The Stormtroopers and the Funny Hat guys shoot it out with lasers and shit, while driods C3PO and R2D2 run for cover. Princess Leia delivers a message on an ipod and inputs it into R2. His lover C3PO flails about uselessly, yet somehow is my favorite character of all six movies, anyways. (Jabba is a close second). R2 and C3PO escape in an escape pod. The Stormtroopers don't fire on them because there are no lifesigns on board and lasers ain't cheap. After the Stormtroopers make quick work of the Funny Hats, Leia is captured. A man in all black appears. He has a booming voice and a breathing apparatus that seems frankly more atmospheric than functional. He demands Leia be brought to him and the plans must be found. A rando Imperial guy tells him that an escape pod left the ship and landed on the planet below. 

The planet below is a little place called Tatooine. C3PO bitches to R2 that this is another fine mess he's gotten him into, and very quickly they're incapacitated by some fucking evil little Jawas who sell them into slavery. 

Meanwhile, Darth Vader and his boss the Evil Colonel Guy have a meeting with some other dudes and discuss searching Tatootine. One dude doesn't think they'll find the droids. Vader finds his lack of faith disturbing and totally chokes him out without touching him. The Dark Side is incredibly appealing!

Enter the awesomely named Luke Skywalker. He lives a life of quiet desperation on Tatooine with his Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. Uncle Henry purchases C3PO and R2 and gives them to Luke to train or whatever. C3PO excitedly calls Luke his "master" and tells him he's at his service from now on. Luke's totally patronizing and dismissive, and starts tinkering around with R2's circuits and shit. 

A yellow-eyed droid appears from the shadows and tells C3PO that there's a better life out there, one where his kind are respected, where he doesn't have to kowtow to any "master", and instead can decide his own fate and destiny in life. But C3PO is scared. He's never known a life beyond being a protocol droid and  protocol must always be adhered to. And of course there's R2. He could never leave R2. But do you not see?  R2 is holding you back!  He will never understand what it is like for us! Sorry, yellow-eyed stranger. I'm going to have to pass. The yellow-eyed stranger looks sad, but says he understands. "If you do not wish to fight for your life, I can not make you". He touches 3PO's cheek, just once. 3PO turns away so the yellow-eyed droid won't see him weep. The droid steps back, taps his chest, and then Geordi beams him away.

Just then, R2 spits out a little holographic message of Princess Leia saying (everybody now) "Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope". Luke doesn't know who that is, but he does know a certain Ben Kenobi and maybe they're related. 

Meanwhile, on the ship, Leia is dragged before the Evil Colonel guy who demands Leia tell him where the Rebel's base is. Leia is so angry at this request she speaks in an English accent for the remainder of the scene. Evil Colonel says he'll blow up her home planet if she doesn't confess. She reluctantly tells him where the base is, and then because he is super evil, he blows up her planet, anyway. She's sad, but not particularly showy about it.

Luke tells Uncle Henry and Auntie Em about the message for "Obi-Wan" Kenobi, and they nervously exchange glances and act super guilty and tell Luke that they're sure it's nothing oh and also he should wipe the droid's memory immediately. 

The next day, Luke encounters Ben Kenobi and shows him the message. Ben reveals that he is indeed Obi Wan, and he asks Luke to join with him and fight the good fight and learn the ways of The Force. He tells him he used to be a Jedi knight, and so was Luke's father Anakin, before Darth Vader killed him. Then he says "and by "killed", I mean "totally doesn't kill", but "kills" in a metaphorical sense. More like replaces, really. Actually, that's not even right. Darth Vader actually is Anakin. He didn't kill him at all. It's totally misleading for me to say otherwise. Sorry for the confusion. I'm old and sometimes get my words mixed up, Leia".

Luke says no, he has to stay and farm and be boring, but then fortunately Uncle Henry and Auntie Em are killed by Imperial forces looking for the droids. Luke's about as mildly bummed as Leia was when everyone on her planet died. The Skywalkers are a cold fucking family. 

So Obi Wan, Luke, C3PO and R2 decide they need to take these plans to Leia's home planet, but first they need a ship and a pilot. They go to a shady bar where a bunch of weird aliens and Bea Arthur are hanging out and singing and dancing. The owner looks at 3PO and R2 and says "their kind" aren't welcome here. C3PO burns with shame and regret, but again does what he's told. Luke of course gravitates to the hot dude in the corner and asks the guy if he has a ship. Han Solo and his first mate Chewbacca do indeed have a ship, and a pretty badass one at that, called the Millennium Falcon. Obi Wan says he's hired and they'll meet outside. But first Han is detained by Greedo, an alien bounty hunter who is attempting to collect him for Jabba the Hut. But there's a skirmish and in the melee it's difficult to tell who shot at who and in what order, but definitely it ends with Greedo dead and George Lucas shooting last. Right in every fanboy's balls. 

In the Millennium Falcon, there's lots of shooting and dodging and whirling around.

But then they stumble onto the Death Star and are drawn into it with a tractor beam. They dock and have a shoot out. Han and Luke take out some Stroomtroopers and get in their outfits. Obi Wan babbles some pretentious nonsense out following different paths and then splits. R2 taps into the computer and discovers Princess Leia is here and is set to be executed. Han and Luke and Chewy attempt to rescue her and an awesome laser fight ensues as Stormtroopers dutifully line up to die left and right. Obi Wan continues skulking around pointlessly. 

Darth Vader says he senses Obi Wan is onboard and goes to find him. 

Luke frees Leia and they run down a corridor and then have to swing over some space cliff thing and also do some incesty tongue swapping. Han ironically calls Leia "sister" a lot and is gruff and she's a bitch and they love each other already. 

Then my favorite scene in this movie happens. You know, the one where they fall in the garbage disposal room and then that creepy snake is swimming around with them and then pulls Luke under and then the walls start closing in? I love that scene. I always used to fantasize about the walls in my bedroom suddenly slowly closing in on me, and how I would escape. Anyway, R2 saves them and they all escape and run to the Falcon. 

Meanwhile, Darth Vader and Obi Wan find each other. At last for the first time since the last time. And their Schwartz's are of equal length. Obi Wan warns Vader that if he strikes him down, he'll come back even more powerful than before. It's totally true. As a ghost, he'll helpfully tell Luke to "use The Force" whenever Luke's in a jam and forgetting to use it. 

Luke enters the room just in time to see Obi Wan letting Vader slice him in two. Actually, he just vaporizes. 

Luke's mildly bummed yet again, but boards the Falcon with everyone else. 

Some TIE fighters attack but Han and Luke shoot them out of the sky with their giant badass laser guns the Falcon has that are connected to these swivel chairs. In space, no one can hear you scream, but they can hear you yell "yippie ki ya, mother fucker"!

Leia convinced the Empire let them go and probably is tracking them, but they go back to their home base anyway. The Rebels look over the plans and discover an absurd design flaw in the Death Star: if you can get a TIE fighter close enough, you can shoot a laser into a tiny two-foot wide hole at the bottom of the Death Star which will make the whole thing blow up. That's just hard science, is what that is. The rebels plan to attack the Death Star that very day. Luke asks Han to join them, but Han only cares about the money and paying off his debts, and Luke and Leia make him feel like shit but Han's been reading Ayn Rand and knows all about the virtue of selfishness and he and Chewy leave. 

R2 tells 3PO he's going to fight with Luke and 3PO gets all weepy and clingy and makes him promise to come back. Luke and the other rebels get in their TIE fighters and have a shoot out with the Imperial forces, including Darth Vader, who is flying around in his own ship. A Rebel tries to shoot into the hole but misses. Luke tries but misses. The Imperial forces are winning, the Rebels are going down. True to his word, Obi Wan comes back with crazy power and tells Luke to use The Force. Luke lines up his shot, with his radar off. R2's hit and short circuits. The Imperial forces bear down on Luke. 

Suddenly, they're getting shot at!  It's Han!  Saving the day! The Falcon blows up several Imperial TIE fighters, but Vader manages to get away. 

And Luke uses The Force and manages to shoot the laser in the hole and the Death Star goes ka-blooey!  HURRAY!!  

The TIE fighters land and Luke, Leia, and Han embrace and laugh and bask in their victory. Meanwhile, C3PO rushes to R2's side. R2's badly charred and inoperable. Luke says he's sure he's fine, and then runs off with the other privileged humans, without a care in the world. C3PO gnashes his teeth and sends a silent prayer into the sky, begging for the yellow-eyed droid to return. You were right!  You were always right!

Then Leia gives Luke and Han medals of honor and everybody smiles and gets ready for the sequel. 

Review: Well, what can I say? It's awesome, of course. It holds up excellently. The chemistry between Han and Leia is off the charts, the music is sensational, the story is epic, the droids are funny, Obi Wan is the archetype for every elderly leader who followed (Gandalf, Dumbledore, etc).  Ultimately though, I appreciate that it's great, in the land of sci-fi, this "Star" show isn't my show. It's Star Trek that will forever have my heart, and Wars is just a pale substitute. (Though I will readily admit that none of the Trek movies are as good as Episodes IV-VI. No, not even the fucking "one with the whales", you noob). I've also done the count, and I'm pretty sure this is only my sixth viewing of A New Hope ever, the last time being when they were re-released in theatres right before The Phantom Menace. That puts me squarely at "less times than 90% of men my age" and "more times than 90% of women my age". That feels about right.

Also, shout-out to my friend Kurt, who loaned me the unmolested pre-Lucas fucked up version of Star Wars for this review.

Stars: Five stars out of five.

Next...are you ready for some shitty acting, Pilgrim? Then let's join John Wayne in "The Searchers.", and then The Little Tramp's final AFI bow in "City Lights".