I don't "get" the Olden Days. I really don't.
Plot summary (with spoilers): John "Lucky" Garnett is in some dancing/performing troupe with a bunch of other dudes, and they're dancing around on stage. The show's over, the audience applauds, and Lucky races offstage. Some stage manager or someone tells Lucky to get back out there for an encore, but Lucky says he can't because he's got to hurry up and get to his own wedding, which is later that day. Lucky has an amazing work ethic. The other guys get offstage and they grouse about how Lucky is leaving them and he's their star performer and without him they'll all suck and what not. They hatch a plan to make him late to his own wedding so that the bride will refuse to marry him and he'll be forced to still be in their shitty little dance troupe. This is an excellent plan, obviously, provided all parties involved are incredibly stupid. Lucky gets dressed in his tux and then says "so long, fellas, wish me luck!" One of the guys says that his pants don't have cuff links, which they tell him is a huge fashion no-no. All the other guys chime in, saying he'll be the laughing stock at the wedding. Kudos to the writers for making the entire male dance troupe into a bunch of gay men. Very progressive. Lucky believes them, despite the fact that they all keep looking at each other and winking and nudging and one of them has a sign that says, "WE'RE TOTALLY FUCKING LYING, DUMBASS" that he keeps waving around. The phone in the other room rings, and one of the guys answers it. The other guys take Lucky's pants, and give them to non-dancer "Pop" to take them to the costume tailor and apply the cuff links. On the phone is the bride's father, who is bitching about the fact that the wedding is starting (so even without the guys' interference, Lucky would've been late) and he says to tell Lucky that the minister is leaving soon and Lucky needs to hurry! The dancer tells the father he'll pass on the message, but--get this!--when he goes back into the room he tells Lucky that the minister is late and Lucky should take his time. And he yawns when he tells Lucky this, to make his story seem more believable, obviously.
Pop takes the pants to the tailor, who refuses to add the cuff links, saying they'll look horrible. The dude playing the tailor wants to make the best of his part, so he literally screams his refusal and knocks a bunch of shit over, like he's Chris Farley or something. Pop brings the pants back to Lucky after some time has passed, and then one of the other guys tells Lucky he doesn't think he'll get married today, after all. Lucky is so sure he'll get married that he bets all the money he has (except his lucky quarter) that it will happen today. The guy smirks and shakes on it. Lucky notices nothing and puts on his pants. The big joke at the end is he notices that the pants still don't have cuff links. Sigh.
Lucky arrives at his bride's father's house. Everyone's gone home except the father (Mr. Watson) and Lucky's betrothed, Margaret. They yell at Lucky and he stammers apologies and Mr. Watson officially denies Lucky permission to marry his daughter. He says he wouldn't change his mind even if Lucky gave him 10,000 dollars. Lucky says how about 15 thousand? Watson says that's still a no. What about 25 thousand? Watson says maybe, but where would you get 25 thousand?
Margaret says, excuse me assholes, why are you talking about me like I'm a car you're haggling over? The idea that I can be bought is extremely sexist and degrading!
No, just kidding, she just stands there looking pretty.
Lucky says he's not a dancer anymore and he has a brand new job where he could earn 25 thousand easily. In fact, he made over 200 dollars just today!
Mr. Watson says you've got yourself a deal! Come back with 25 grand and you can buy my daughter. Isn't it great that we live in these wonderful simpler times? Trump/Bachman 2012!
Lucky kisses Margaret goodbye (without paying) and then promises to return in three months with the money.
Lucky is at the train station, determined to buy a ticket to New York and gamble until he wins enough money to buy his wife. Pop and a few of the other dance troupe guys show up a the train station because they somehow knew he would be there, I guess. As Lucky is about to buy a ticket, the guy reminds him that Lucky owes them all his money. Lucky sighs, and hands all his money over. All of it. Which was not in a bank, I guess. The guys snicker and leave. Wasn't the goal to keep Lucky dancing in the troupe?
Lucky only has his lucky quarter, which is not enough to buy a train ticket, so he jumps on a cargo train as it's departing when no one's looking. Pop follows him and also jumps on. No idea why.
They arrive in New York, and Pop wants a cigarette. He also has no money at all.
THE ONE ACTUALLY FUNNY PART
Pop: Don't worry, I'll get us a cigarette. (to passerby) Excuse me sir, do you have a match?
Passerby: Here you go.
Pop (searching his pockets): Oh, you know what? I seem to have forgotten my cigarettes.
Passerby: Guess you don't need a match then (snatches it back).
THIS CONCLUDES THE ONE ACTUALLY FUNNY PART
Pop tries to use a button from his shirt in the cigarette machine, and when that doesn't work, a beautiful blonde woman passes by and tells him he'll need a string, too. Lucky recognizes her from all the other movies they've done together, and is instantly smitten. He asks her for change. She gives him two dimes and a nickel in exchange for Lucky's lucky quarter. Pop feels bad that Lucky lost his quarter, but still uses the dime to get a pack of cigarettes. Pop is jonesing bad. The dime gets stuck, and when Lucky bangs on the machine, it releases several packs as well as a bunch of coins. They grab the loot and race off to the blonde woman, in the hopes of getting her to return the lucky quarter in exchange for some of their other change. Lucky tries to engage in conversation, but she thinks he's just hitting on her, and blows him off. She's crossing the street and accidentally crashes into someone, dropping her purse. Pop picks up the purse and steals the quarter while Lucky helps her up. Lucky gives her back her purse, still trying to get her to give him the quarter. She looks in her purse, sees the quarter is gone and accuses him of stealing it. He denies it, while Pop stares at the ground, rolls his eyes, puts his hands in his pockets, looks super guilty, auditions for the next Farrelly Brothers movie. The blonde (Penny) calls a policeman over and tells the cop that Lucky stole her quarter. But she is just a stupid woman, and the cop doesn't believe her and literally shoos her away. Pop then tells Lucky he took the quarter. Lucky feels awful, and sees Penny walk into a dance studio. He and Pop follow.
He tells the receptionist that he wants to take a dance lesson, and asks if he can request a teacher. A flaming Hayes Code Approved homosexual man appears and introduces himself as the owner of the studio, and lisps around for awhile about how his "girls" are the best instructors in town. He takes Lucky to Penny, who is appalled to see him, but says nothing. The super gay man tells Penny to teach Lucky how to dance, then swishes away.
Meanwhile Pop bothers the secretary (named Mabel, natch) who is brusque and way fatter than Penny and doesn't take his guff. Pop asks if he can eat her sandwich. (Possibly a metaphor).
Penny tries to teach Lucky to dance, and he acts like he can't, and keeps falling over. Oh, the hilarity! Penny tells him she can't teach him and he might as well just leave. Fussy Snagelpuss McGaydude overhears this and fires Penny on the spot. Then he hears Mabel tell Pop to buzz off, and he fires her as well. Lucky protests and says she's an excellent teacher. Why, look at what she's taught him. He grabs Penny and they begin to dance. It's a big number, they dance all over the room, etc. Gay Dude is super stupid and thinks Penny just now taught him how to do that. He rehires Penny. But Mabel is still fired. Wah wah.
Some time later, Lucky has gambled enough to get a hotel room and lives with Pop in it. They go out on a double date with Penny and Mabel (even though Pop and Mabel just bitch at each other) to some big nightclub where a band leader named Ricardo Romero is performing with his band. Pop learns from Mabel that Ricardo has tried on several occasions to date Penny, but she's always turned him down. Lucky asks the owner of the club if he can audition to perform there. The club owner says yes. He asks Ricardo to play for him during the audition, but Ricardo, jealous of Lucky being there with Penny, refuses, saying that his contract doesn't require him to play if he doesn't want to. Lucky decides then and there to gamble for ownership of Ricardo so that he can force him to play during his audition. Seriously movie, what the fuck? What the fuck. He gambles at the casino, winning a bunch of money, until the club owner gets nervous and tries to get him to stop gambling. Lucky says he'll give back all the money he's won if he can win ownership of the latin crooner. The club owner says no way. Lucky suggests they gamble for it, the club owner agrees, saying they should pick a card and see who gets the highest. Lucky agrees. The club owner gets a King of Spades. Lucky gulps and goes to pick. Pop buts in, and asks if he can pick instead. Everyone says that's fine. Pop picks...an Ace of Spades. Lucky wins!
He orders Ricardo to play, Ricardo does, Lucky dances, blah blah blah blah blah.
Okay, so later on Lucky tells Pop he can't be alone with Penny because he likes her, and obviously he totally wants to fuck her brains out, but they're not married, and will Pop please run interference and keep Lucky from totally fucking her brains out? Also, Lucky almost gambles enough to win 25 grand, but stops himself just in time because if he wins 25 grand, he'll be required by law to leave NY and go back to wherever the fuck and marry the chick in the beginning of the movie. Because that makes sense somehow.
The four of them go on a trip to the mountains in the snow, and Penny keeps wanting to go off with Lucky alone and fuck his brains out, but Lucky keeps begging Pop to watch them. At one point Lucky almost gives in to his sinful urges and tries to kiss Penny, but Pop throws a snowball at them. Lucky throws a snowball back, but hits Mabel. He runs over to Mabel to help her wipe off the snow or whatever, and Pop runs over to Penny at the same time and totally spills the whole "Lucky's trying to win 25 grand to buy a woman" thing to Penny. I guess he does this with good intentions, knowing it will keep them apart. Lucky comes back from helping Mabel, intercepts Pop, says "never mind, I totally want to fuck her brains out after all, stop following us", and then goes back over to Penny. Pop goes "oy" and pulls at his imaginary tie and feels stupid. He leaves with Mabel. Of course, now Penny wants nothing to do with him, and runs off. Lucky's just confused.
A long LONG song and dance sequence comes next, with Lucky in blackface, dancing with his shadows, and I'll admit that my finger may have hit the FF button a couple times.
Finally, the performance is over, and Lucky notices Margaret, his future property, sitting in the audience. She's applauding exuberantly. Lucky's upset. She approaches him backstage with hugs and kisses. Penny walks in on them, and then rushes off. Lucky stays with Margaret, out of a sense of duty. She asks if he has the 25 grand, and he reluctantly says yes.
I guess time passes or something.
Meanwhile, Ricardo sees Penny all sad and proposes to her. Jesus. She immediately agrees.
Margaret stammers around Lucky, clearly wanting to say something, but not getting the nerve. She finally blurts out that while Lucky's been gone, she's fallen for someone else. Lucky says that's great, because so has he! They laugh delightedly, happy that no one has to be bought today. Mabel and Pop show up, and warn Lucky that Penny's getting married right now. Oh, for fuck's sake.
They rush off to stop the wedding. The bridesmaids won't let Lucky see Penny, so Lucky and Penny break into Ricardo's room, running past his colored servant Jar-Jar, who stammers protests while offering them syrup. Ricardo asks them what they're doing here. Lucky says they've come to wish him good luck on his impending marriage. But wait a minute...you're not gonna where those pants, are you? There's no cuff links! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA LULZ!
Penny and Mabel are waiting on stage for someone to tell them the wedding is about to start. Lucky and Pop show up and Lucky says there will be no wedding. Penny asks why. Pop pulls a pair of pants out from under his jacket and starts laughing like a crazy person. Lucky laughs, too. Soon, Mabel joins in, leaving only Penny to act like a normal human. All three of them are laughing and laughing and waving the pants around. Suddenly, Ricardo shows up with his servant's pants, which are too big on him. He's holding them up with one hand. Suddenly, Penny laughs as well. Ricardo sensibly asks what is so funny? Penny says the wedding's off, them they continue to wave around the pants like it's the funniest fucking thing ever and I swear to God this is beyond stupid and couldn't possibly get any stupider.
But wait!
Ricardo sees his pants, and starts laughing too! He then walks over to his band and starts leading them to play, while trying to hold his pants up. Mabel and Pop find this hysterical. Fred and Ginger then dance around and we're out. Christ.
Review: Old does not mean good! OLD DOES NOT MEAN GOOD! Basically, the only conclusion I can arrive at is that in 2060, Ernest Goes to Camp will be on the AFI list and the thirtysomethings of that era will accept it blindly, just as I am expected to do so now. Well I say balderdash and poppycock to that!
Stars: Zero out of five.
Does it deserve "Best 100" status: OLD DOES NOT MEAN GOOD.
Next up "The Sixth Sense" and "Bringing Up Baby". Oh no.
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